Bear Bells?

This is serious.

We had dinner with some friends last night and they are preparing for a trip to Canada. During the conversation the topic came-up of the dangers of the north American wildlife and what could be done to avoid being eaten by large hairy carnivores with halitosis. Apparently, someone had recently been eaten by a grizzly bear while visiting the Rockies. I'm not sure if this person had done something stupid as some people insist on doing (remember the story about the family visiting Yellowstone National Park (I think it was...) and Mom smeared honey or jam on Junior's hand so he/she could have the life-enriching experience of having a bear lick it off? Seems that the bear hadn't read the script and just bit-off poor Junior's hand/arm. Not sure if Mom was summarily sterilized after that one! Should have been!)

So while talking about how to get away from an angry bear if you got into the situation of being chased by one, the subject of 'Bear Bells' came-up. Apparently, and I don't know if this is fact or just a good story, people venturing into bear country can strap-on bells to warn the bears of their coming. And the bears, having read the script, get out of the way of the bell-bearers.

I don't know, but this made me laugh and laugh. I'm guessing the some bright spark is making a small fortune renting 'bear bells' to tourists to walk around the national parks, and quietly laughing at them tinkling-away as they feel so smart and safe. And the bears, once they get a taste of bear bell-clad human, will quickly learn to associate that sound with a warm, Gore-tex clad snack. Onya Pavlov!

So we started thinking of similar ideas for tourists visiting Australia. Each year a few tourists get taken by crocodiles by ignoring the 'don't swim here' and 'danger, crocodiles!' signs at waterholes. Someone gets eaten by a croc, croc (any one will do) gets shot. Repeat.) I think the crocs are actually putting-up the signs using some sort of reverse logic. Like having to touch something with the 'wet paint' sign.

Maybe for those tourists who insist on swimming in croc holes we could rent strap-on shark fins. Hold on, that might not work as apparently crocs usually win when it's a croc/shark fight. But wouldn't it be fun watching?

Emus are big dangerous birds if you mess with them. Very powerful kicks can rupture every organ in your body and those of people standing close to you! Perhaps to ward-off the danger of emu attacks we could rent special strap-on hats with large coloured feathers, small radar reflectors, and dangling sticks that clank together to warn-off the birds.

And 'roos. Don't mess with them. They have a big claw on their middle toe of the hind leg and will try to rip you open if you decide to duke it out with one. Maybe the best thing to do here is to have strap-on car horns that are programmed to blare every few minutes - that should get the roos leaping out of the way. For kids who don't have the strength to carry the car battery required for the horn we could outfit them with bicycle bells. Jingle, jingle, hop hop.

I think that you don't want to go swimming with roos either, as I've got a vague memory that dogs sometimes chase kangaroos into waterholes or dams and then get drowned by the roo holding the dog's head underwater. I might have that wrong but I can't think of any other Aussie creature that could do that to a dog. But that leads us into an interesting situation - do we also prepare for croc attack with the strap-on shark fin? Next time you visit the outback be prepared to see working dogs across the country with strap-on shark fins on their backs. Better safe than sorry - a good working dog isn't cheap. And, think how fast the little jumbucks will run when being mustered by shark-fin wearing dogs! Geez that would be funny to see!

Lots of opportunity in Oz. Remember, everything is dangerous!